There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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