Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
His hands were made for my vagina.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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