You're so nebulous sometimes
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
