operation harelip BJ is a go
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
