You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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