He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
