Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
