I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
