I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize