I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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