I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize