"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
