She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
