I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
