You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
