I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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