So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
