we have pet lesbian snakes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
