You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
