can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
