I wish I could teleport
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
