why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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