I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
