So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
