Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Are my feet made of real feet?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
