Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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