Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
