My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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