he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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