I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
