His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
