I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
