dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
