How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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