Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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