last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
