Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
