I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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