Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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