Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
