I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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