the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
