The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
