They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
