i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
