it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
