I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
