handjob tips. give me some.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
