If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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