6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
