Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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