I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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