8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
