im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
two words...techno handjob
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
