was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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