Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
