just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
