Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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