i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize