..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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