Cold hands, warm shart.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize