I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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