My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
