Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
