I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
