I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
